I was invited to write a monthly column for Held in the Heart’s Community Journal about a year ago in 2019. When I gave an enthusiastic “YES” to the 1-year commitment, I had no way of knowing what it would mean in my life or how both I and the world would change along the way. I chose to write about finding spirituality outside of the traditional church setting. Through the writing I realized my church experience was cult-ish, controlling, and incorrect in its perspective. I connected where the remaining influences from that experience still showed up in my life and I was able to break free and find more of my authentic self.

In August, I took a work trip to Washington D.C. — something I have been doing at least 1-2 times a year for 5 years.  I followed my intuition on this trip, spent time writing poetry inspired by a little book I took with me on a random whim — The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. By sheer magical coincidence, I randomly discovered the Kahlil Gibran Memorial Garden near my hotel and was energized by the space and connection I discovered in the synchronicity. I took time to explore the city, its parks, its buildings, its beauty… feeling this deep inner knowing that I would not be back. Not knowing where it was coming from really, I said goodbye to Washington D.C., feeling inside that this would be my last trip there for a very long time.

A week later, I was asked to leave my job.

There was no cause — simply put, my new boss (the 5th in 5 years) didn’t like the way I speak the truth. I had a choice — fight it or walk away. I chose to walk away. I had been feeling for a while that it was time to go anyway; this even simply allowed me the ability to grow as part of the experience. I mourned the loss, of course, but I began to embrace the space I was given as a parting gift. The space of time, the space of opportunity, and then I filled that space up with seeking. I tried not to, but I couldn’t seem to help myself. I started a business, I made connections, I envisioned a new career path that put me in control of my own destiny. And then I paused. I was spinning around and had that feeling I had had in D.C. in August — that more change was on the horizon. I stopped, took a retreat, and began looking anew at my choices. And a week later… COVID-19, the Coronavirus, PANDEMIC.

And with quarantine came a full stop for me. The business I was creating was designed to work with small businesses, well, small businesses have more on their mind than what I have to offer. And career coaching? Unemployment is at an all-time high and people can’t afford to pay for coaching, let alone be choosy where they get a paycheck from. And starting a new business without the ability to connect with people, build contacts, meet people face-to-face… not possible for my vision. I didn’t want a virtual business, a business that relied on website clicks or needed tons of social media work. Quite frankly, it just wasn’t feeling right to me either.

And so the quarantine gave me a reason to come back to working on me.

So I stopped everything. Shut it down, put it all away, and reclaimed the space I had been given; an extension to begin a deeper dive into ME. I’m participating in a program that is allowing me to further explore the depths of my heart; giving me an opportunity to put all of these pieces together that I have been learning about myself and my purpose in this world. Make no mistake, quarantine is hard. Not hugging my mom on Mother’s Day is hard. Not seeing my closest friends, hugging their kids as they call me ‘short stack’ and I ask ‘how’s the weather up there?’ is hard. Not going to my beloved yoga studio, and breaking down in tears when I picked up my mat from that space is hard.

But this time. This space of quarantine. This time when I have been granted the opportunity to just be. It would be a shame to waste what I have been given when there are so many others who are working double-time during quarantine. And I know that the best thing I can do, other than just staying home to help stop the spread of the virus, is to spend that time excavating my authentic self so that when the time arrives, I will be ready to share my gifts with the world in the best way possible. In one year’s time EVERYTHING changed – and it only makes me curious to know that the adventure of the next 50 years of my life are out there just waiting for me to show up and explore.

I extend gratitude to those of you who followed me on this journey. I extend gratitude to Beth for holding space for me to share my writing. I extend gratitude to myself for listening to my intuition and holding space for my heart.

Namaste

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