Being There for Myself
Supporting friends or family comes naturally to most of us, but it seems almost unnatural to be there for ourselves. Maybe others told us we were being selfish or it’s bad to think of ourselves, take care of and put ourselves first. Whatever the reason, we believed these stories were true.
Throughout my life I was told all of this, and completely believed taking care of others was what we were supposed to do in order to be loved and respected, when, for me, quite the opposite was true. I felt like a literal doormat for my family, and for years put each one of their needs before my own. I was told since I had no children, I was expected to do whatever anyone wanted. This was repeated so often I believed this made me a “good” daughter, sister and friend. I didn’t know how to set boundaries. It took a year and a half of some very serious illnesses in my early 40s, for me to finally get it. These illnesses were pivotal in the discovery that I was putting others first to the detriment of my own health!
What does holding space for yourself really mean?
For me personally, holding space and being there for myself means seeing and treating my own self, faults and all, without judgment. Being my own best friend, putting myself first and treating myself with kindness and love.
Seems selfish? Well, it isn’t! There is so much truth in the saying “We must love ourselves, before we can truly love another.” Loving ourselves wholly and completely without condition sets the stage for embracing our imperfections, learning to say no, developing boundaries and more. Most of us would never treat a friend the way we treat our own selves, so why should we treat ourselves less? Think about that!
How do you embrace your imperfections? I used to be very judgmental of others and even more critical of myself. I stopped judging others years ago; however, it has been only during the last couple of years I stopped judging myself. I have learned to allow myself some Grace and to be ok with where I am. I really struggled with my emotions. I was taught certain emotions are bad and I believed I was the emotion. Thanks to my work with Beth, I have learned that emotions are just energy, specifically energy that needs to be allowed to be felt and to move through the body without judgment no matter how uncomfortable it may be. You will thank yourself later for not choking your emotions back into your body which could eventually lead to physical illness, or shoving them down your throat with food or alcohol. It takes work to change a lifetime of habits, but it can be done. I know, because I’ve done it!
Saying “No” used to be very difficult for me.
I used to always tell everyone “Yes” regardless of what I really wanted to do. I still remember to this day the first time I told someone “No” to watching their child. I then felt like I was being interrogated with a ton of questions as to what I was doing and why I couldn’t. Then to top it off this person didn’t speak to me for six months, just because I said “No”.
“No” is your right! And “No.” is a complete sentence. When we say “No” to others, what we are really saying is “Yes” to ourselves. This isn’t to say don’t ever do anything for others, what I’m saying is do what resonates with you and say “No” to what doesn’t. In this you will be honoring your true authentic self, strengthening your self-esteem and showing yourself, you are important and you matter!
Developing boundaries is another way in which I learned to be there for myself. When I began to establish boundaries by being able to say “No” without guilt, most obligatory relationships naturally began to fall away and I was able to show my love openly and freely. I was finally standing up for myself, and learned that having boundaries can actually strengthen bonds, though not with everyone.
I also never really trusted my intuition. Until I was able to clear out all the minutia that was running through my brain – the thoughts, ideals and beliefs that were put there by others, that for many years I thought were my own. Once I started sifting through them all and learning which ones were me, which ones resonated and which ones were never me, I began to hear my intuition speaking to me. It was almost a whisper and always resided in my solar plexus – my gut! My heart and my head could be telling me two completely different things, but my gut would never steer me wrong. My intuition had always been there, I just didn’t realize the signs my own body was giving me. I also feel fear in my gut so that compounded the problem I had distinguishing between my true intuition and fear. It’s taken work and time, but I can now discern the two and know which is which.
I still struggle with asking for help.
I learned early on that people weren’t reliable and experienced disappointment after disappointment. Somewhere along the way I learned the only person I could count on was myself and that asking for help was a sign of weakness. Since beginning my journey of discovering my true authentic self, I’ve also learned that asking for help is in no way a weakness! It actually takes a strong person to know when to ask for help. The key to this is having a rock-solid support system in place. People you know you can count on – no matter what!
A huge part of being there for yourself is being authentic – which to me means truly being myself from the infinite loving soul level of my being. I’m not one to “fake it ‘til you make it”. Even before my self-discovery I was true in being who I thought I was, even though that person was not really who I am. At the time I thought it was, but there was always this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach, that this person really wasn’t me. So even before I learned to listen to my own intuition, I was being given signals that something was “off.”
There are many aspects to being our own parent and being a good parent to myself has been an integral part of my growth. Maybe as a child you didn’t get what you needed from your parents, be it love, comfort or security. Being our own parent is our opportunity to give ourselves all the love we need. Instead of listening to the same old tapes we were told, we can challenge them and create new loving, nurturing ones to replace them.
Being a good parent to yourself isn’t always fun. I know I’ve had days where the last thing I wanted to do is parent myself. For example: Knowing going to bed would be better than staying up later than my body wants and paying for it later, or overindulging in that extra treat when I know full well it’s going to make me feel miserable… you get the idea.
A good parent allows their child to explore, be creative and even test boundaries.
When you are dealing with your own inner child, allow these things. Be an innovative self-parent by loving yourself when you are sick, and encouraging yourself when you fall. Be your OWN biggest cheerleader!
Lastly, developing supportive rituals has helped me to stay on course the past several years. Do what works for you! My supportive rituals include journaling, meditation, breathwork, yoga, nature walks, being creative, grounding with Mother Earth, “shake it out” routines and especially rest when my body requires it. When was the last time you totally rested? Yesterday I mindfully decided I was taking a complete down-day. I still have to prepare my own meals and take care of the animals, but other than that, I literally had my nose in a book and binged on some Netflix the entire day, ending it soaking in a luxurious bubble bath. It felt wonderful to take the entire “day off”. Taking care of and being there for ourselves is up to us. We get to choose our own priorities, who do you choose?