I’m in Winter
I don’t know much about dahlias. This is my first year growing them. I was surprised at how easy it was — I’m used to planting bulbs (I know, dahlia seeds are tubers, not bulbs) and then nothing happens. Or at least not much happens. Maybe a small stem and a few leaves, but blossoms were not a guarantee. These dahlia tubers, on the other hand, have yielded spectacular results!
In fact, they are still yielding… just the other day (early October) I took this photo of more blossoms on the verge of opening up. The rest of the flowers in our flower beds have died off (except for mums and sedum), but the dahlia plants just keep going! They are unaware that it is now autumn. They are not concerned about the expectation of plants ending their time of growth and beginning a new season of death.
Looking at all of these buds waiting to bloom is a bit disorienting.
In fact, I didn’t even notice them right away, because I’m not looking for blossoms in October. My eyes aren't trained for that.
My eyes are trained to watch for the changing leaves and the dying plants. My eyes are trained to notice shorter days and longer nights. My eyes are trained to watch for squirrels burying nuts in our yard and to notice that certain birds aren’t around anymore.
But blossoms in October? Nope. My eyes didn’t even know to look for that.
Recently I came to the realization that I’m in a winter season. However, it took me quite some time to come to this understanding because my eyes weren’t trained to see it. Instead of being gentle with myself, I was harsh. I assumed I was in summer, since that’s what the world around me indicated. The sun was high in the sky and the days were long. There were lots of group gatherings and social occasions. From what I could tell, summer was in full swing; however, my mind and body felt really out of sync.
I had very little energy for creative activities, like writing. I struggled with sleep and found myself fatigued most days. Instead of spending time with people, I was okay being at home more often. I longed for cooler days so I could curl up under a quilt, even though I usually would prefer to be swimming! Everything just felt off, so I assumed something was wrong with me.
I felt like a flower trying to bloom at the wrong time of year.
Thankfully, through discernment with my writing group, I was able to name that I’m not in summer… I’m in winter! All of the sudden, everything made sense!
Of course I’m not creating a lot right now. I’m hibernating. Just like seeds underground during the cold, dark months of winter, there are ideas sprouting in me that I’m not aware of yet. That doesn’t mean I’m stagnant. It just means I need time and space to let them grow at their own pace.
Of course I’m tired and fatigued. Winter is a time of slowing down and turning inward. It’s hard to do that when everything around me was saying otherwise. However, I listened to my body and chose to spend more time at home than I normally would during the summer months.
Of course I wanted to curl up under a quilt. That’s one of my favorite parts about winter — pulling out all the quilts and getting nice and cozy in my corner of the couch. My body knew what I needed!
This has happened to me before — being out of sync with Creation’s season. For almost a year, maybe even a little longer, I was in a dark, cold winter. This came after my infertility diagnosis. It took me quite some time to begin to see the signs of spring in my own life. So, I can relate a bit, but this time it feels different. I’m sure there’s some grief to be processed, but more than that, I can feel my body forcing me to slow down.
Once I was able to identify what was going on, I no longer pushed back against it.
I didn’t speak harshly to myself, telling myself to “get it together.”. Instead, I was able to be understanding and kind… “Of course you feel that way, you are in winter. That’s to be expected.”
I’ll be curious to see how much longer these dahlias produce flowers. Perhaps this is normal for them, like I said, this is my first experience growing them. Likewise, this is my first time going through a winter season at this age after this year’s particular experiences. I have no idea if I’ll transition into spring with the rest of the natural world, or if I’ll hop into summer or fall, skipping spring altogether. I suppose that’s one more mystery of life… and I’m learning to go with the flow, as best I can.
Whatever season you find yourself in today, know that you’re right where you’re supposed to be.