If I Knew Then What I Know Now
We all have different walks in life, different paths and upbringings. However, what we do have in common is the foundation of our childhood, which has a major impact on our development in our adulthood. Our peers, social environment and parents, plant seeds in us that impact our thoughts about ourselves. Sometimes once we reach adulthood, we don't understand why we have some of the triggers and emotional baggage. Are there seeds of low self-esteem, fear and hurt that were planted in your childhood that need to be uprooted so that you can reap a new harvest?
I wrote myself a letter, and I was able to. So this is the letter to me…
Hi Keiairra,
Have you heard the phrase, “If I knew then what I know now!''? Well that is what I want to do, and boy have I learned a lot as an adult. I want to prepare you for some of the things that you will experience, so that when you get older, you will have clarity of who you are.
I had to sit with myself and remember, the memories seem far.
As a grown-up, mom told me a story about when I was two — I fell down the stairs and was hurt. If you look very closely you will be able to see the small faint scar from the incident. She told me that the doctors gave me an anesthesia that would make me forget what happened; but after hearing the story, I began to often wonder if it affected more than just the memory of that incident. Did the anesthesia affect my memory all together!?
There will be many times that you will not be able to recall an event or a funny story that a friend will tell you. You will ask, “Do I have a memory issue and need to start using rosemary essential oil?” What is an essential oil, you ask? I wondered the same thing once I was introduced to the world of holistic living. This lifestyle will open many doors for you on a journey that will help you mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Essential oils are oils that are extracted from flowers, plants and seeds and have natural healing benefits. I know, it’s cool right?
Don’t worry if it all seems a lot to understand.
I’m still learning and have so much more to learn; so, there is no rush to understand now. However, what I do understand and accept is, you will experience some things in life — especially, while you are growing up. This is the part that I really want you to listen to. Remember when I told you that I want to prepare you now so that life won’t be so confusing in the future? Okay, good.
So, let's start our story when you begin elementary school at Clinton Elementary, a school located in a neighborhood that is far from yours. Mom and Aunt Jenny chose this school because it was promising for a start at a great education. You will love Clinton; you will go to this school from kindergarten to fifth grade! Brittany and April are your best friends, though after fifth grade, you will lose contact with them.
On the last day of school there is a big party. Parents come, there is food and music; today anytime I hear “Ride Wit Me” by Nelly I have a moment and think about Clinton and fifth grade year. As fun as you remember that day, you are also sad. It hits you that the friends you have known for 5 years, you will never see again; everyone will go to a different school. But I have a secret in the future. There is a website on the computer where you can find old friends, and guess what? You find Brittany and April.
I also want you to know that there will be many people that will come and go out of your life. You will meet new friends, making friends as a kid is easy, you play, laugh and enjoy your innocence. Making friends as you get older gets complicated. You will not understand while you are attending Clinton, but I believe it is at this school that your confidence and self-acceptance of who you are starts to fade before you even had a chance of understanding how special you are.
Many of the kids at Clinton will not look like you.
Their skin color is not brown like yours, their hair is not kinky as yours and you will be heavier than many of the kids in your classes. You will have to experience teasing and picking at Clinton, and I'm sorry to tell you that it will not stop. It's okay! I don't want to make you sad, I do want to tell you that you are a beautiful young black queen, you are a child of God, you are made special in His image, Keiairra you can do anything that you put your mind to! You’re smart, funny and have a kind heart. You won't hear these affirmations growing up. There will not be many people pouring into you, So I wanted to tell you that now. Remember, I'm preparing you but also giving you the confirmation of who you are.
Life will seem lonely, but you will have a huge stuffed animal gorilla named Freddy. You use him as your pillow, when you are happy, sad or need a hug, all the way until he is flat. You won't feel comfortable finding your voice until you are in your 30s. Born a Sagittarius, and raised by a mother that lives and dies by zodiac to determine someone’s personality; you are not quite the Sagittarius that is outspokenly optimistic extroverted growing up, that may be because there wasn’t much to be outspoken about. Life will be mirrored from those around you. Single parent home, a dad you see every other weekend and live in an environment that is burdened by poverty circumstances. Unfortunately, when people grow up in certain environments, they are exposed. You will see, hear things and pick up bad habits.
When you get to sixth grade you will meet Arielle, a friend that is present to this day. There is a movie called “Beaches'' that sums up our relationship. Friends that love each other, go through ups and downs and sometimes grow distant. School, boys (I know eew boys), and Usher’s “Confessions” album are what we live for. Arielle has a baby at 16, your godson Alex, he will be your child before you have kids of your own. Yes kids, two boys! You are going to be a mom, again I want you to remember that you are smart, beautiful and worth the wait; boys can wait. Though life will be filled with voids and wanting to be accepted, it does not have to be found in boys.
As much as you will grow to love dad, there was an absence in raising you.
All little girls need their daddies to be their first love. I am grateful that God will grant us time to become best friends. The acceptance, the trust and the comfort that you always will desire will come from him. You have a special relationship with mom, the relationship gives a space to be yourself in many ways, other people will not experience. Growing up it is hard to understand the decisions of parents, but you will grow up and have a lot of respect for mom. She was a woman and in many ways a girl trying to find her way and heal while raising you and your brother. I now can see me in her, the same woman that is a little girl inside healing and raising children.
Motherhood will be a struggle, it will not come as easy as you would have expected. You need to learn how to be nurturing, loving and not let the stress of motherhood overwhelm you as well as the failed relationship with your children's father. The blessing in this all is you find purpose. I want you to remember that the hard times bring the motivation to help your community. You will start a blog, have a small business, and take pride in some of the sadness because the experiences will help other women and girls like you.
So I know that was a lot huh? Well remember what I told you, and know that God is always with you.