FLASHBACK: The Big Shift

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TRANSCRIBED FROM MY OLD JOURNAL:

September 3, 2014 – Los Angeles

Written in response to this prompt from my teacher:

Describe a time in your life that required you to have courage. Why was courage necessary in this circumstance? What other feelings came up for you during that time? How did you make it through and what did you lean on for support? Write about what you learned and how this experience helped you to grow.

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Walking away from the great love in my life.

I.  It required courage because it was the scariest, saddest time of my life. I was beyond weak physically and spiritually and had to dig DEEP down to find the last drops of energy to do it. I stepped into a complete unknown and I had to remain brave, and trust that I was doing the right thing.

II.  There’s almost no feeling that didn’t come up for me during that time. Fear, sadness, disappointment, hopelessness, pain, heartache, loss, yearning, anger, wonder… on the flipside – hope, excitement, freedom, relief, anticipation, curiosity, and an overwhelming “knowing” that it was what I just had to do.

III.  TRUST. Prayer, meditation, leaning on loved one’s ears for support. I listened… to the Universe. I surrendered, fully and completely to Spirit and said “show me!”  …and then I waited. I cried more than I’ve ever cried for months and months. I made a commitment to myself – to taking care of ME. My main focus turned to nurturing myself. Physically through exercise, gaining weight, eating well and taking lots of detox baths. Spiritually through yoga, meditation, breathwork. It was a daily, minute-to-minute practice of choosing to put myself first, staying open, and focusing on my own healing.

IV. It’s almost as if I re-learned myself in the process. I was able to come back to the truth inside me, to the authentic, strong, compassionate woman that’s always been there. I lost connection with her for a while. And in this rebirth, I returned to her, but in an even better way. I cleared a lot of karma regarding guilt and shame, and “being heard”, and I learned that it’s more than ok for me to have a voice – in fact that it’s part of my greater purpose in this life!

I learned not to fear not being loved, and to trust fully that the Universe is supporting me, and that everything is as it should be at every moment of every day. I don’t hang on to the little things anymore – energies or actual physical things. My simple life is more peaceful.

I learned that I compromised myself in that relationship. It look me a long time to be able to admit that, but I did.

I lost myself, my voice, my clarity… What I took away from that is that I will never let that happen again. I have a solidness now in my heart and in my gut, and I know that the right partner will come into my life at that right time, and that it is up to me to determine what kind of man I attract. My focus is on fully aligning with my own truth and purpose and joy. Carrying that vibration is going to attract someone that is in the same space. Though, I’m not quite there yet. I’m having a lot of fun hanging out with Me!

I learned a great deal from that relationship and I don’t regret a second of it. There was a lot of love there, and I am very clear now on the purpose we had in each other’s lives. We were attracted to each other on a deep, soul level, more than anything to heal. As much pain and confusion as there was at times, it is so easy to understand now looking back how we were the perfect fit for the time.

It is beyond anything I could’ve imagined working to move through the loss of this relationship. It has challenged me in ways I never thought possible, but it has also brought me to some of my greatest joy. I am presently still working on it little by little, getting into the finer details now as it has been just over a year. I know there is still more release to be done with this, so I remain open, and committed to loving myself – Me first, and with no apologies.

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Today

June 8, 2019 – Taos, New Mexico

It really made me smile to find this. It was written on the heels of the most pivotal year of my life to date. So, so much continued to unfold in my healing journey over the next following year, and certainly it has all only gotten deeper and more refined since then. The layers of my wounding and aspects of myself that have called on me to heal them absolutely go far beyond the pain that came from the completion of that relationship. Still, it was that year, 2013, that I experienced my spiritual awakening, and my awakening served as the powerful force for me to speak up and walk away from that relationship – which then in turn began the unfolding of the 12 or so months prior to my writing the above journal entry. Surrendering myself into my healing at the end of that relationship, was the most significant choice I have ever made in this lifetime. And trust me, there have been other biggies.

Those of you who know me, will recognize much of the language in this writing, because it is language I still use, and now teach/offer to others today. It was that year that these messages birthed into my life through my writing and became my support, and, along with the commitments I made to myself, created the most profound shift for me and my Heart. It is due to the power of those words, my consistent dedication to myself and my practices, and my willingness to surrender into the unknown, that I stand here today as the person in front of you. Someone who is confident and strong, and who has answered the call to step into this leadership, even when it scared the sh*t out of me. I have come to understand the purpose in it all, and I’m only going to keep getting clearer in my dharma.

Even in recent weeks and months I have been exploring further uncharted territory within myself and my understanding of the way the energy of trauma works. It is amazing to look back at this writing and reflect on how far I’ve come – to recall the feelings that were present when I wrote it. It’s important for me to remember and acknowledge this, especially in the times when I feel like there’s still so much work to do. Those moments can feel heavy. Yet, they are also exciting.

I am deeply aware that I am only scratching the surface of what I am here to do in this lifetime.

And the way the layers of what I am here to heal continue to reveal themselves and offer me more places to explore, ignites over and over again a fierce flame in my Heart that motivates the crap out of me to keep diving in.

One of my favorite icons, Frida Kahlo, is quoted as once saying, “I am my own muse. I am the subject I know best. The subject I want to know better.” This is one of the best ways I can describe the motivation I feel to heal. I experience it also as a complete unwillingness NOT to look at all the parts of myself, especially when they are showing themselves to me through my discomfort and pain. They are impossible for me to ignore. And anymore, I have zero desire to ignore them. It is my purpose to dig, to understand, to heal, to free myself. And what’s more is the understanding that every bit of trauma and unexpressed energy that I work to heal and express, also heals and frees my entire lineage – past, present, and future.

So it is for myself. It is for my family – for my ancestors and those who have yet to be born. It is for you and all of humanity. My purpose is to be Light. To channel Divine Love and healing and share it with others so that they may also experience their own healing.

My intention in sharing this is, for those of you who are meant to read it, that it will inspire you. That yet another glimpse into my own journey will strike a chord with you somewhere deep within and give you the “umph” you need to keep pressing on today. Like I wrote 5 years ago, it is a minute-to-minute practice sometimes. And while those times may be gut-wrenching when you’re in them, I promise you will look back on them with immense gratitude one day. You will sweetly smile when you recall the “newborn baby” version of your awakened self, and you will thank her/him/them for choosing YOU.

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