Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

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Have you ever had one of those times where you feel like you’ve taken ten steps backwards from everything you’ve ever learned and all the growth you’ve achieved is no longer there? 

Well, last month was one of those times for me. I’ve been processing a lot, a loved one’s cancer diagnosis and surgery, the question of whether I should retire or continue working, and if I do retire, when? – along with many other everyday “opportunities” that I tend perceive as “issues” when I lose sight of being mindful of my thoughts. And even though I have a daily meditation and yoga practice, the stress I’ve been feeling has been overwhelming. I will say, it’s not near as overwhelming as it once was; however, overwhelming just the same.

Decision-making has been a huge deal for me since I was 13 years old. Let me explain…

My father, a service technician for movie theatres in the tri-state area, was on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week, with only every other weekend off.  In the spring of 1976, his company offered him a promotion to work in their home office located in Strongsville, Ohio. If he accepted this offer, it meant he would work Monday through Friday 8 AM to 5 PM. He would be home every evening and off every weekend. A win-win for everyone.

The trade-off for accepting the job meant we would have to move from the area my entire family had lived all of their lives.

My father, being the diplomat, he was, announced this at dinner one night. He asked us all what we thought and told us that we would take a family vote on it. My younger brothers were 10 and 6 years old at the time. I remember being so excited! I thought this would be awesome and saw it as an adventure of a lifetime and eagerly voted “yes!”. My mother was visibly upset and did not want to go. She said she didn’t want to leave her family and friends and she voted “no”. My middle brother, also voted no, stating he didn’t want to leave his friends either, and my youngest brother just shrugged his shoulders and indicated that it didn’t matter to him either way. The vote was tied, with two “yes” votes, two “no” votes, and one that didn’t care. Since this was going to be so much better in essence for the entire family, my dad announced that we would make the move.

I was ecstatic and couldn’t contain my excitement! I remember telling all my friends about this great adventure. While I was happy about this move, what I remember most was others expressing sadness in seeing me go and telling me how much they would miss me…

It seemed like it was only a matter of weeks and we were moving to Medina, Ohio – two and a half hours away from everyone and everything I had ever known. The house was located on a street halfway across town, but still inside the city. Up until this point in my life, I’d always lived in the country.

We were enrolled in school, and I finished the 7th grade at a huge Junior High School, not a small middle school like I was used to. To my 13-year-old eyes the school was massive, and the kids in my neighborhood were nothing like my friends back home. They were smoking, drinking and even having sex, seeming years older than we all actually were. I had never experienced anything like it. I met just one girl at school who seemed nice, but she lived on the other side of town and I only saw her once over summer break.

Instead of being this great adventure I thought it was going to be, it turned into the loneliest six months of my entire life.

I didn’t have anything in common with the neighborhood kids, and they would tease and torment me just to have fun. I felt like all the light had disappeared from my life, so it seemed appropriate that I stayed in my bedroom with the curtains pulled watching reruns of the TV series Dark Shadows, an American Gothic soap opera.  When I did venture out, I would walk to the corner 7-11 convenience store and using my babysitting money to buy butter pecan ice cream cones, 2 or 3 dips at a time sometimes, and most days, more than once a day. I kept telling myself my decision to make this move was the worst decision I had ever made.

After only six months, my father wound up disliking his job so much that he decided he would start his own business and we would move back to our hometown. There was no voting this time! I was glad to be moving back to the area in which I grew up… but I was not the same person I was when we left. In just six months, I had gained 60 pounds. Not only had I developed the habit of emotional eating – which I have mentioned before I still struggle with today – but also that of unhealthy isolation.

I felt rejected and scared, both inside and out, and it showed.

That decision and move changed the course of my life and affected me on and off for over 30 years. It wasn’t until a few years ago, while I was relating this story to a friend during a time I was struggling to make a difficult decision, when my friend stopped me mid-sentence and told me that the move when I was 13 was never my decision. At first, I was like, “Sure it was.” But then he explained, even though my father had asked us all to vote on the move, he and my mother had already discussed it and made the decision long before we were brought in for the family vote. I was completely blown away! I really couldn’t believe it. All those years I thought I had made that decision and blamed myself, struggling desperately with every decision I made, even the tiniest ones. And when it came to BIG decisions, I rarely trusted my decision-making skills and would go back and forth, changing my mind many times until I felt backed into a corner, then I would just close my eyes, go with my gut, and jump!

How do you handle decision-making?

Do you find yourself not making a decision due to fear of making the wrong one? Did you know that “no decision” is actually a conscious choice to do nothing?

These days, all the deep spiritual work I have done on myself, healing old wounds and releasing the negative energy, has all helped me to know myself and my intuition, so that I can make decisions and know they are the right ones for me by the feeling in my gut. That’s not to say I still don’t struggle with decision-making on the big life-changing decisions, but once I have all the facts, have gone through all the pros and cons and experience what I refer to as a meltdown – which is nothing more than releasing pent up emotions and energy through crying, dancing and yes, even sometimes screaming at the top of my lungs – I can truly feel exactly what my intuition is guiding me to do. And once I experience that feeling, a decision is made and then there is no stopping me!

So, with all that said, earlier this month I made the decision to retire on December 31, 2019 after 34 years and 7 months of Civil Service. I’m excited and just little bit scared, but more than anything I know without a doubt this is the right decision for me. I am looking forward with confidence to the next phase of my life’s journey!

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