Returning to Innocence
I have experienced a lot of guilt in my time. A lot of shame. Plenty of frustration. Doses of denial. It’s the tough part of life we’re not taught about. Of course, it makes sense for me, now. Why we’re not taught about the bad of the world. It is scary even to adults.
Before we learned anything we were young and so free. Playing was our number one priority. I can recall knowing each place I went to as a kid and being excited just to know where the toy box was. Life was about finding a toy and perhaps even finding a friend. This was my heart and true innocence.
So much happens between being a child and journeying into adulthood. Experiences we cannot know that are going to happen but come our way anyhow. I always thought this would indicate there would be more good experiences than bad, but for so long it has not felt that way. Everything just felt so bad around me. There is so much sorrow and grieving, and it had me living in guilt which led to so much confusion.
Confusion is the antithesis (but not a bad guy) of enthusiasm. It hesitates innate curiosity. It makes you think with your head too much and not with your intuition. You speak from the thinking mind and not from the voice in your heart.
You see, a child who is confused is very much accepted.
Grown ups seem to know why a child isn’t feeling communicated to – because they’re young and still have a lot to learn. Although, being an adult who is confused is very much scrutinized. They should know better by now!
Or should we?
You are not guilty. I have learned that most of our guilt is not actual guilt as we have learned. At a lot of points in my life I have felt vulnerable. Sure, I have made mistakes and remorse was there. But often I have done things that are right in my heart, making me feel uncertain in a way, and because of that I was taught it was guilt. Conditioned to believe my uncertainty was ‘actual guilt’. Being uncertain is not guilt. That is our innocence. And innocence isn’t just child’s play, it’s also intended for adults.
Being innocent as an adult is a treasure. You explore the world just as you remembered it to be. A magical mystery. Feeling the release from the subtle beauties in the day. Somebody (actually, many people) told me this is a “fantasy land”. That it’s “woo-woo”. But now I cannot move on always feeling guilty because of uncertainty and encouraging a negative wrath of emotions.
I choose to love onward and move forward from here. Even if that means being uncertain.
Uncertainty may not be the coziest of places, but I know once I traverse that plane it always returns me to my Being. If feel like I “just don’t know”, then I allow and embrace the unknowing from a sacred place in my heart. That means not trying to dissect it too much with my head thoughts. I just wait for my heart to return to it’s place of belonging, and from here, I can shape my world and create peace and contentment within. We must return to our innocence.
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(She/Her)
The gal behind Held In The Heart. The Community Journal is a space for those who feel deeply to express freely. We explore all sorts of things here, from the real & raw healing stories & creative writing, to the funny & fleeting moments of everyday human life. I warmly welcome you and invite you to explore with us!