Gratitude
What does gratitude mean to you? Webster’s dictionary defines gratitude as the state of being grateful: thankfulness. For me personally when I see or hear the word gratitude, I think great attitude.
I once thought that it was “bad” to be angry and I often felt guilty when I was sad or upset.
Has anyone else felt this way? I’ve spent a lifetime in my emotions, being my emotions, labeling my emotions good or bad, and burying my emotions deep inside my body based on what I was taught and how I was told I should feel.
I still remember being told at a very young age, around three or four years old, that I was “too sensitive”, and was made fun of because I would cry at the theme song from a TV show called Flipper. To this day I don’t know what it was about the song that did and still does make me burst into tears, just as I am doing right now writing this. This type of teasing and shaming went on for years and everyone around me thought it was funny. When I was young, I learned swallowing my emotions was better than getting teased, and when I got older, I would stuff them even further down into my body with food. Both having negative affects on my physical and mental health.
I have always felt a lot of gratitude in my life and I used to feel guilty if I would become angry or sad. I thought if I was grateful then I shouldn’t be having negative feelings. I knew there are many who were worse off than myself no matter how bad a situation might have been for me and I would again internalize the anger or sadness. Eventually after holding in so many different emotions for many decades they began to eat away at my physical body and I developed an overactive immune system, several odd illnesses, as well as a life-threatening blood disorder.
I am grateful.
For these illnesses helped me realize I had to start making some changes in my life if I wanted to continue living. I decided then and there I was not done yet!
Since beginning my healing journey all those years ago, I have been peeling back one layer at a time. Yes, I am a sensitive human being and I am grateful. Instead of being ashamed of that, I have learned it is a gift. I feel energy and I am grateful. Whether it be human, animal, plant or universal energy, I feel it and I feel it deeply. Instead of bottling emotions up, I let them come up and feel and experience them. They may well not even be my emotions; they could be and a lot of times are emotions of the collective in response to whatever is going on in the world around us. I allow the emotions to move through my body which in turn helps to heal me and not leave me with emotions stuck inside eroding at my very being. I have learned that I am not an emotion. I am a human being who experiences emotions.
A huge key to my healing was learning to express emotions in a healthy way, by letting them move through my body using pranayama, the breath, and knowing that I can feel angry or sad or any other perceived negative emotion while still feeling grateful. It has been through my life’s struggles that I began to see the word gratitude as having a great attitude, and I am grateful.
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(She/Her)
The gal behind Held In The Heart. The Community Journal is a space for those who feel deeply to express freely. We explore all sorts of things here, from the real & raw healing stories & creative writing, to the funny & fleeting moments of everyday human life. I warmly welcome you and invite you to explore with us!