Grieving, Mending the Broken Heart
I recently went through a break up that got me down. It wasn’t that there was any animosity between us, but feelings weren’t mutual and the timing was simply off. What brought me down even further were remnants of past rejections and failures.
Original photo by Trey
It reminded me of a major heartache I had had in my early 20’s. This was something that I buried for years and it became evident to me that the feelings from over a decade ago were still there in the closet just waiting to pounce on me.
For awhile I was in some sense of denial about the reemerging feelings from the ‘past’. “That happened so long ago! Why in the world is it dominating my consciousness?” I would think to myself.
In truth, it had never healed.
In the time of my early 20s I built up a lot of self-hatred. I had felt as if I screwed up my entire world and future. I made it all out to be my fault and really even agreed to this blame in my mind. From it I built my new identity. One that would keep me safe from darker days and I would just let time do it magic and push all that negativity aside.
For years I didn’t get into a relationship because I need to work on “me”. I did all of the self-help, self-improvement, and spiritual studies I could do. I applied my mind entirely into working and building a career where I worked for myself.
Then, when I thought that I had gotten to a point where I was ready to be in a relationship, and when the timing seemed right, I landed on someone whom I really connected with. Yet, it didn’t work out. This had me so confused!
But, the Soul has lessons that the mind cannot grasp.
Original photo by Trey
When I truly channeled thoughts into my intuition it became clear to me. I needed to fully grieve the current relationship AND the previous one. My body was really craving to pass all of the energy. Why? Because the dormant energy I was holding onto for years was preventing me from evolving into the human being I needed to be today. Truthfully, all I had been doing was trying to make up for the person that I wasn’t yesterday. Which was a long time ago.
With the help of breathwork I’ve been able to clear so much energy. I now feel more awareness, and that brings me a better type of focus to be heart-centered. It hasn’t been a peachy process.
As a male it is really a hard thing to open up and allow ourselves to cry. To be broken.
The practice of breathwork gave the urge and power to push those feelings to the surface and let it flow and to let it go.
There has been a big emotional clearance in months of the aftermath. I feel way more connected to the people around me. Insights that I would ordinarily get are coming with an amplified sense of knowing. I seem to want to hang onto them for longer bouts without thinking I have to tell everyone immediately, and it becomes joyful to just marinate in my own innate power I had long forgotten. Conversations that I have with loved ones and strangers come with so much more depth and openness.
To feel this type of human connection gives me even greater hope for the future, my own future, which is simply built into this day alone. It penetrates the annoyances that the mind seems to nag on, and I have a great ability to accept all that is happening around me. It’s truly lovely. Not always perfect, but rather from a state of grace that endures from moment to moment. My aim now it to just allow and to trust.
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(She/Her)
The gal behind Held In The Heart. The Community Journal is a space for those who feel deeply to express freely. We explore all sorts of things here, from the real & raw healing stories & creative writing, to the funny & fleeting moments of everyday human life. I warmly welcome you and invite you to explore with us!