Spared for the Skin I'm In

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When I was around 15 years old, I got arrested. I was brand new to that particular city where I lived for a couple years during high school, and while I wasn't exactly a "goody-two-shoes" growing up, it wasn't necessarily my nature to "make trouble" either. I was pretty nerdy in a lot of ways, and as far as human adolescence goes, I was, in a general sense, what one might call a "late bloomer".

So this specific event birthed from complete naiveté for me.

Me around age 15.

In an effort to make friends, I said to yes to going to party — it was really just an outdoor hang with a large mix of kids, but it was the first gathering of this particular nature I had really ever attended. I was pretty insecure and struggling a lot during that stage of my life, and I remember feeling quite intimidated. I literally knew the two people I went with (barely) and that was it.

Even though probably most everyone was drinking, including myself, it was really a pretty mellow affair. Just kids sitting around a park type area, laughing, talking... not a "rager" by any means. Still, we were of course breaking the law, as everyone was under the legal age to consume alcohol. And reflecting back on it, I'm sure there were probably other substances besides alcohol being passed around too, it's likely...

I'll never forget the moment the police arrived.

Four patrol cars, lights blazing in the darkness. Without a second of pause, everyone utterly scattered and started running — like they had done this before. The people I was with bailed on me with no hesitation, and I panicked, and started running too. Not knowing where I was (geographically, being new there), I just ran and ran... all the while with two officers not far behind. I remember feeling like I was out of my body. Fear rushing through me, no thoughts, just running because I didn't know what else to do.

I was one of just two people that got caught that night. The officers were physically aggressive, nasty and spoke to me in a violent, threatening tone. I was handcuffed, "escorted" back to the park, and put in the police car. We stayed like this at the scene for at least an hour or two as they and their team determined if there were any other kids they could wrangle.

This was a defining, traumatic, life-altering experience for me. Yet, here I am. Alive to tell you about it today.

Even then, and deeply over the years, I considered the thought, "What would've happened to me that night if I were black?" One can only assume that I wouldn't have even made it to the point of being cuffed. Running away like that, the likelihood is that I would've been shot. Thank God none of the black kids were caught that night, and we didn't have to find out...

No, I didn't grow up with a "silver spoon" in my mouth. No, I don't come from a family who claimed black people as property. No, I have not been sheltered from diversity in my life, nor have I ever overtly behaved in or treated someone in a racist way.

Yet I can say with full awareness that my white skin saved my life that night. And THAT right there is my privilege. No, I didn't ask for it. Nor do I support the history that gives it to me. AND, it is still my responsibility as a conscious human being to call it out, and take ownership for my own conditioning, any ways I have been unconsciously passive around racism in my life, and the ways I have benefited from the system of white supremacy. Why is this my responsibility, you ask?

My existence in this white-skinned body in this lifetime makes it so.

Why is any other reason needed?

This community has ALWAYS and will ALWAYS be a space for ALL people of any race, gender, sexual orientation, religious background, and so on. The work I lead here is also founded on the principal that we are both Soul and Human, and our spiritual work in this life is about being awakened in the former, and embodied in the latter. Thus, the very real healing work there is to do around racism, is by no means separate from the personal healing work we are focusing on all the time.

Personal trauma, ancestral/generational/inherited trauma (what's held in the DNA), moving through painful feelings, learning to express ourselves authentically, etc... We know these things can be uncomfortable, yes? And I am constantly inviting you to embrace this discomfort, yes? Because it's necessary for healing to take place.

So as we arrive together at this conversation about racism, if you find yourself feeling uncomfortable (especially if you are white/white passing), I invite you as always to, instead of resisting it, dive into it. EXPLORE it. My invitation to be curious remains the same. Are you willing to approach this with openness, to see what you'll discover? Just like we don't ignore other uncomfortable things, we will not ignore this.

And while I am not at all an expert in the realm of dismantling racism, it is an area I've done quite a bit of personal work in in the recent years. I can also say that my "non-expertise" has kept me from sharing very much about it publicly in this space, simply believing that is wasn't "my lane" as far as my leadership goes. Right there again — my privilege. To allow this work to be personal and not speak up about it in this community. No more.

I will do my best to hold space for this work, as it is sacred just the same.

White folks, I invite you deeply into this space of exploration within yourself. This community is here for education and conversations, and I am committed to serving more openly in this facet of my role as a healer.

Black folks, this community is deeply here for you. Your lives MATTER to me. I will continue to listen, and I will continue to honor you in the truth of your being, and support you in your own personal healing as always.

And to every other human being in this space — our Native family, all our brown-skinned, and Hispanic, and Asian families, EVERYONE — this community is here for you. This community IS you. I see ALL your colors, and I feel ALL your hearts, and the fire of my devotion to serving your human liberation burns strong and fierce.

We're in this for the long haul.

Conversations will continue. For now, please visit the Anti-Racism Resources page to explore my initial offering toward opening our community to this work.

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