Breathing Trust
It’s only been my word for fourteen days and I already feel something happening to me. At first I thought trust would be an easy word. It seemed too straight forward, almost cliché. Trust is my word of the year, I thought. Neat. I really thought it was going to be a toss away word — it wouldn’t hold it’s weight next to gratitude, which I’ve been immersed in since choosing it in 2017. Explore (2018) and open (2019) were meaningful words and led me to beautiful places. But, trust… I just wasn’t feeling it.
And then.
Then I decided to just go with it because nothing else was jumping out at me. Sure, I thought, I’ll just go with trust for this year and then find a really powerful word for 2021. So, I sat down to write my annual this-is-my-word-of-the-year blog post and I was almost in tears by the time I finished.
Trust is much more challenging than I gave it credit for.
There’s something about saying a word out loud, about telling other people “this is my word” that changes my relationship to it. Now, I see trust everywhere. And, when my friends see trust they think of me and send me quotes and images that are full of trust. I mean, in one of Morgan Harper Nichols’ recent Instagram posts, one image was just trust sitting among flowers. And part of the caption was this:
Art by Morgan Harper Nichols
TRUST
In the letting go
I am learning to trust:
no matter what is missing
grace is more than enough:
glorious unmerited favor
that cannot be fully defined
with words,
giving me room
to believe
there is more
ahead of me.
Why in the world did I think this word was cliché? How did I not see the depth to this word? Trust, I’m so sorry for not seeing you for who you really are.
Trust is appearing everywhere, or was already everywhere and I just now have the eyes to see it. I have opportunities to trust the moment: I can be comfortable in the present instead of forcing myself into a future that hasn’t arrived. I have opportunities to trust my body: listening to what it’s saying means slowing down and paying attention, trusting that I don’t have to move at all times. I have opportunities to make different choices: I can trust that taking a different way, though others may not understand, is a loving form of self care.
It’s hard to believe that I haven’t seen trust more — isn’t living a good, full life just oozing with trust? How can I choose to live a good, full life in the midst of my infertility and not be filled to overflowing with trust?
I’m choosing to trust deeply that my life is worthy and beautiful just as it is.
I don’t need to be a mother to find my worth.
I don’t need to get in all my steps or run more races to justify my existence. I don’t have to write a book or accomplish anything in my life at all. I trust that my life, just as it is, is enough. I trust that there’s nothing I can do to make God love me less. I trust that goodness will continue to flow upon my life only because I breathe, and for no other reason than that.
It’s hard, though. In some ways I think it’s easier to prove my worth. It’s easier to work hard and produce more. It’s easier because it doesn’t require… trust. Yes, all that work wears me out and leaves me feeling empty inside. But, for some reason I don’t quite understand, it feels better to wear myself down than it does to trust that my life is valuable for the mere fact that I’m alive.
Culture, social media, work evaluations, even family relationships, tell me that I need to work harder and produce more. I need to have something to show for myself. I need to accomplish things and receive promotions and have my picture posted here and there. However, there’s never an end to it — there’s always another promotion or raise, there’s always another site to publish an article or share my Instagram post. It will never end. Ever.
But, when I choose to trust God, Spirit, Universe. When I choose to trust that Divine Being, I can stop striving for the sake of recognition or accolades. I can see myself for who I truly am, the name given to me at birth: Beloved. And then, I can take a deep breath, let it out slowly and trust that all the work I do from here on out is purely bonus because I’ve done all I ever needed to do just by taking that one deep breath.
Do you trust in your inherent worth? If not, what steps might you take to start to explore that?
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(She/Her)
The gal behind Held In The Heart. The Community Journal is a space for those who feel deeply to express freely. We explore all sorts of things here, from the real & raw healing stories & creative writing, to the funny & fleeting moments of everyday human life. I warmly welcome you and invite you to explore with us!