Why Is It Hard to Let Go?
When you can reduce a concrete belief to the “notion” of what it is, we have the ability to either redefine it or let it go entirely. Before anything exists it’s first brought into our awareness as something new. Something foreign and neutral. There are no initial parameters of it’s limitations to us. We simply contemplate it, and it is then we begin to determine what something is to us. Even the belief of who we think we are as a person began as a notion.
From here we have the ability to change who we are, but we have to first let go of the concrete belief. We have to reduce it to the notion. The notion I am referring to is a non-tangible place. It doesn’t have any physical representation. It’s why answering “Explain who you are” is difficult to answer. You have to get in touch with the notion of who you think you are before you can even put words to it. And even then it becomes shaky because we realize we’re much more than words can describe.
Credit: Elisabetta Foto
For many years I’ve been trapped.
But it’s hard to describe this place and also to admit to the feeling of it. So, it became easy to create a narrative of my life in a way that didn’t give people the notion that I was in this state. The narrative of my life became more important than the truth of who or where I am. Rather than just being trapped, needing or asking for help, I simply centered my mind on this story. This narrative of what I do as who I am that makes it okay to neglect how I truly think and feel.
When I put it this way I think “How does this even become acceptable?”. Yet it is so common it seems like that’s what normal is. Really it’s delusional. We get caught in our head-space and don’t know how to live connected to our surroundings.
What have I even been trapped in? I’ve been through some hard times in my life. That led to some heartbreak, rebelliousness, and self-pity. Of course, the actions that we take during this phase are never delightful. We do things that are inhumane to others and ourselves. From this we learn regret and also how to live with it. This is what we learn to let go of and it’s an essential step in healing oneself, but it will not get you unstuck.
We have to go even further than that.
In moving forward we need to let go of the bad times in our life, yes, but also the good that preceded or is associated with it. For so long I had never made peace with the happiness I experienced in my early 20’s. That was a time I had experienced the first of many joys.
The first time I went to a party. The first time I met a great core group of friends. Friends I still maintain touch with these days. The first time I fell in love with someone. I was in a place where I felt so happy and content with life. I felt like so many people were proud of me. It was just an unimaginable type of experience that I didn’t even know was possible. Everything I wanted in life was in complete alignment. Until it wasn’t.
It fell apart. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about that. Making peace with the falling apart. Understanding that it happens. You do let a lot go, and also learn about yourself in the process. But it’s not fully courageous. The true courage comes in making peace with not just the bad you're clinging to, but also the good of it. If we don’t release the good or positive that happened, then we’ll end up just trying to replicate it. And that’s what I’ve been trapped in.
Hurt gets so buried in us that we don’t even see we’re preserving ideas that no longer serve us.
We can go about our days doing our daily things, but beneath that is motive and intent. Refusing to see this, motive and intent, is also inviting the same result you’ve already experienced over and over again. It becomes an exhausting cycle and time slips away. Our ability to create purposeful moments is sacrificed.
So, just in realizing this is the beginning of truly coping. I choose to grieve all of it because I miss what was so great. Not that I had been through terrible times, but because I want back what was so good. I used to think that nothing could ever be better than what I had at that time. That made me want it even more and chase it so fervently. But that’s what creates the horror in and of itself. That’s the nightmare of it. Not that we’re going through tough times, but that we’re trying to replace what’s already gone.
The earth won’t spin backwards for anyone. We just continue to hurl through space in this beautiful perpetual motion. And along this journey we must simply embrace what it is bringing us in that moment. It can never be the same again, and in that majesty we have the ability to find what will greater serve us and our days. In this place I am no longer trapped. I am expanded and feel expansive. This, in and of itself, is where I belong and find belonging. There’s not even a notion here. It’s something, but also nothing at the same time.
Now, here, I know who I am.
Credit: Greene County Skydiving
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(She/Her)
The gal behind Held In The Heart. The Community Journal is a space for those who feel deeply to express freely. We explore all sorts of things here, from the real & raw healing stories & creative writing, to the funny & fleeting moments of everyday human life. I warmly welcome you and invite you to explore with us!