Go Your Own Way

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“To retreat is to withdraw from a situation. To take yourself to a space to be alone, to find stillness, to go within.”

— Dawn Adams

I recently went on a retreat. I didn’t leave my house or travel anywhere. There was no agenda or a plan for what I would do. I didn’t spend even one thin dime. I just decided I would take myself on a retreat for 2 days to process the past 60 days of the year. I called it a Retreat to Review, Re-evaluate, Reset, and Renew. I retreated at home – on my own time, in my own space.

I needed this retreat because I felt stuck in place. Having completed multiple tasks and work setting up a business on January 1, I found myself lost in the world wide web. As a researcher, I began studying the data about how to use social media properly for a start-up business. As a learner, I dove into market research and found myself going down the rabbit hole of more and more to read, study, and do. I created a social media calendar, assigned myself work for posting on a daily basis, gave myself the task of writing a blog post and a LinkedIN article each week, and then I found myself spiraling into busy-ness. It’s not where I knew I needed to go. It’s not where I even wanted to go.

It ended with me telling my boss – myself – that I quit!

I didn’t like this work. This was not the job I hired myself to do. I like looking at social media and occasionally posting something – but I don’t enjoy the daily task of posting on multiple social media sites. I get a lot out of writing, but I found imposing these tasks on myself to be stressful. I’m a person who gets ideas, lots of ideas, so when it comes to writing I can go down many paths. The stress comes in choosing which path to write about next. And that’s not where I need to be right now. It wasn’t a rabbit hole after all, it was a pothole and it was keeping me stuck in a space that I did not enjoy.

An actual pothole on my road

It’s so easy to fall into what you think is a rabbit hole; to keep going with the expectation that you’ll find a cool tea party, make some new wacky friends, and defeat a jabberwocky at the other end. But in reality, you’re just stuck in a pothole. You can’t see it because your vision is clouded with all the things the world has thrown up on the screen in front of you. You’re not going anywhere. And until you notice your foot is in a pothole, you just keep going in the wrong direction, become disappointed, and end up right where you started.

The beauty of being on the healing path is that it gets easier to notice those potholes. Sometimes you avoid them, sometimes you get stuck in one – but you begin to start noticing a lot sooner and can save yourself a lot of pain by simply paying attention, listening to the intuitive voice, and getting out of that hole sooner rather than later.

As soon as I found myself in that pothole, I stopped what I was doing.

I decided to give myself some space away from the work and took myself on that retreat away from the office. Away from my dining room table, essentially, and over to my couch and eventually, my yoga room.  No agenda, no plan, just a general intuitive feeling that I needed to address those 4 Rs – Review, Re-evaluate, Reset, Renew. I put zero pressure on myself to do anything specific. Initially I watched some Netflix, chilled with my 20-year old cat, Tippy, and followed my intuition throughout the days.

I began with the idea of Review by going through my calendar for 2020. I made a list of all the things I had accomplished with my business. I didn’t even realize how much I had done in just a few weeks and was amazed with myself, quite frankly. I’m barely in business and already have a consulting contract. I have a network of support in place. All of the tools I need to move forward are set up and in place, ready for the next phase.

I found myself at peace with where my business was headed and knowing it could wait until I was ready to begin the growth process. And that’s when I realized I needed this retreat for more than just chilling out over social media – it was really about my vision to integrate all aspects of my life.

You see, when I chose to go down this path, it was with the intent to craft a life that was fully integrated – with work that would fulfill me as a spirit experiencing this world in a human form. I want to manifest a life that allows me to be authentic in all spaces and in all situations – which means all parts of me, both internal and external, need to integrate themselves throughout each experience.

As my “4-R Retreat” took shape organically, I found myself crafting a new collage. I had created a collage last fall under the direction of a teacher/coach. Meant to be done intuitively with no attachment to perfection, I crafted a collage that didn’t make sense to me at the time. Yet after weeks of personal healing work, every piece on that paper made perfect sense. And I knew it was time for the next collage. Again, I don’t know what the new collage says, but I know that each piece will fall into place at the right time.

Fall 2019 collage

I then found myself reviewing my healing journals from the past 2-3 years. I have changed so much, but then again, not really. What I can see through the years is that I have been removing the layers that covered up my true nature, my authentic self. I found poetry I had written, intentions that had manifest, and I could feel my spirit filling up again with more and more joy. Reviewing where I had been allowed me to find myself in the present again.

I transitioned into re-evaluation naturally and have identified spaces where work needs to be done to stay on the path that I envision for life integration. I pressed the reset button but didn’t go into the actions of initiating or making specific changes – I just hit reset and am letting the energy cycle through until the timing becomes clear for each area that needs reset. And I renewed. And the renewal was oh so sweet! I sat in meditation, allowing it to go for as long as I needed. I came back from meditation with a smile, a song in my heart, and I stood, and I danced, and I danced, and I danced.

I felt transformed as I danced to a mantra that came to me in that meditation – “You Can Go Your Own Way” from the Fleetwood Mac song.

You see, it started with that social media pothole.

The online world is rife with information, guidance, suggestions, etc. and when you do enough research you find an outline of the “best” way to do things to get certain results. I love to learn and try new things; and giving things a try is something that I find valuable. The beauty for me today is that I can so much more quickly see when the things I try don’t align with my authentic self. And now I know.

I so want to go my own way and do my own thing despite what the data says. “Going my own way” has defined me since I was a child. I have always preferred to go my own way, have been willing to take a chance to try new ways, and I have found joy in being different from others. That pothole was about me not being true to myself. Going the way that others were going. Now I’m going my own way. Going my own way is the only way I can go to find the life I choose to live because it is the foundation of who I am. This is my authenticity and I cherish this about myself.

The “4-R Retreat” was a success. I revoked my resignation and agreed to keep working. But most importantly, I agreed to stop following the www directions and follow my heart. To go my own way – no matter what that way looks like.

Do you feel a need to stop and “retreat” to get that leg out, up, and moving in your own way again? Are you stuck in your own pothole? Take some space and give yourself room to breathe. You deserve it. 

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Be brave enough to live life creatively. The creative place where no one else has ever been.”

– Alan Alda

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