This is Self-Care
Grief is a long and winding road. It loops around and forward and back on itself so many times that I’ve lost count. I don’t always understand why I have certain emotional responses one week and then completely different ones the next. A recent running experience helped shed some light on this for me.
Two weeks ago I walked out of my door to complete a nine mile run. It was cool but not freezing. The sun was shining. I had on my usual running clothes. My water bottles were full and my music was playing. I had a great run! I felt strong and capable and prepared to accomplish the distance.
When I got home, I didn’t have any aches and pains. I just went about my day as usual.
The running trail
Just 7 days later I did the same thing, except this time I walked out of my door to complete a ten mile run. This time it was freezing but slowly warmed up. The sun was shining and I had on similar running clothes. Once again my water bottles were full and the music was going.
However, this time it felt like I was running through mud.
For a majority of the time it felt like I was running up hill (I wasn’t). Just getting to the halfway point felt like an accomplishment. I struggled through that run.
When I got home my back hurt and my ankle was achey. I was exhausted and really just wanted to take a nap.
Now in the grand scheme of things, these runs weren’t that different. Just one mile. And, my pace wasn’t that different either — the pace of my first run was about 20 seconds faster per mile. If I had maintained the same pace on the ten mile run, I would have finished about 5 minutes earlier. It was just a few minutes, not a big deal at all.
So, why did they feel so different? Even though they were close to the same pace and distance, why did one feel so good and the other so awful?
The night before that nine mile run I got a good night of sleep. I ate a well-balanced dinner and drank plenty of water. The same can’t be said for the night before the ten mile run. We had been out late with friends, eating snacks and not drinking water.
Halfway through the 10-mile run
Though the times weren’t that different, the effort was. It took a lot more energy to finish the run when I was tired and dehydrated. I was able to accomplish my goal, but it took a lot more effort from me because I didn’t care for myself the day before. Fuel, hydration and sleep are all forms of self-care when it comes to running. I had ignored all of those the night before a ten mile run. So, of course it was hard!
There are moments with grief that I have similar questions — why was that moment so hard today, but last week I was fine? I mean, some days, when I see a baby picture, I “ooh” and “ahh” and have a big smile on my face. There are other days when talking or thinking about a baby causes me to tear up and have to leave the conversation.
I realized just like running, grief requires an abundance of self-care too.
I know it varies for everyone, but I really do need at least eight hours of sleep (sometimes more!) to be my best self. When I’m tired it’s harder for me to process emotions or make good choices for myself. Eating well is crucial too. And always lots of water!
I’ve also started seeing a therapist again this year. Every other week I sit on that couch and we talk through different situations or relationships. I don’t always have huge breakthroughs, but I am learning more about myself and how I show up in the world. I’m also learning that maybe I’m a little hard on myself sometimes — hearing my therapist acknowledge what she sees is so encouraging.
Now, practicing self-care doesn’t mean grief goes away. Just like taking the right steps the night before a run makes running easy. Grief never goes away and running is not easy. However, when I take the time to nourish myself through physical and emotional care, I’m better prepared to manage the next wave of grief that comes (because it will come). Instead of spiraling out of control, I can take a deep breath and remind myself of what I know: it’s okay to walk away, it’s okay to cry, this won’t last forever.
Taking care of myself — mind, body, spirit — is just one of many ways that I’m learning to live a good, full life. What does self-care look like for you?
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(She/Her)
The gal behind Held In The Heart. The Community Journal is a space for those who feel deeply to express freely. We explore all sorts of things here, from the real & raw healing stories & creative writing, to the funny & fleeting moments of everyday human life. I warmly welcome you and invite you to explore with us!