Coming Into Focus

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A good, full life doesn’t mean a perfect life. Or a life without challenges. Or a life full of ease. No, a good, full life honors the whole spectrum of circumstances and emotion. A good, full life doesn’t deny that life is hard. In fact, I started intentionally living a good, full life because life is hard.

Infertility came out of nowhere.

I was not expecting to hear my doctor tell me I would need a donor egg to conceive. I had dreams for my life, dreams that included raising children with my husband. In a quick phone call standing in the middle of Joann’s Fabric those dreams were ripped away.

We made the decision not to seek medical treatment to conceive, and we knew adoption wasn’t the right choice for us. So, once the initial shock of never being a parent started to fade away, I knew I had work to do — I didn’t want to be bitter about this for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to constantly wonder “what if” or be jealous of the many people in our lives who were able to conceive and have children.

It was out of this desire not to be bitter that I leaned into living a good, full life. I reap the benefits of this decision each and every day.

I get out of bed at a time that suits me without having to rush — I take care of my immediate needs then I take care of our two dogs. I enjoy going on a walk with one or both before I even think about breakfast. None of this would be possible with children. I’m living a good, full life.

My husband and I take on some pretty major house projects. He designed and we built a large deck on the back of our house. We put in new floors and doors. We are currently redoing our kitchen with new cabinets and appliances (and about 1,000 steps in between!). If we had children, we’d either have to hire someone to do this work to get it done faster or settle with what we had. I’m living a good, full life.

I have a lot of hobbies — I walk and practice yoga daily. I run, though I haven’t been doing this as much since races have been cancelled. I create quilts for pleasure and for a small business I started. I enjoy reading and photography. And, I write a lot. I was prepared to set many of these hobbies aside when we had children. But, I didn’t have to. I’m living a good, full life.

It would be easy for me to see all the things I’m missing. I could focus on the lack in my life or I can focus on all the beauty right in front of me. Yes, it’s sad that I can’t have children and I have a really great life. Both can be true. Both are true. 
We all have things in our lives that haven’t gone to plan — relationships end, jobs change, diseases take root, and on and on. Life is not perfect. However, even in the imperfections we can find goodness and fullness. It’s easy to find what we’re looking for…

If we’re looking for a good, full life, I expect that’s what we’ll find.

It’s not always easy to stay focused though. There are days when all I see is what’s missing in my life. I only see the challenges or the heartbreak. I let myself feel what I need to feel and even see what I want to see, and then I start over. I pull out some tools and recalibrate my eyes to see my good, full life. It’s constant work — bringing my eyes back to focusing on my good, full life day after day.
Recently I heard Beth say, “Repetition reinforces.” It’s true. Each day I remind myself to look for the goodness, the beauty, the joy. Each night I remind myself to be thankful for the day, and I name those gratitudes to myself. I surround my home with pictures of people I love, people who bring goodness to my life.

Walking through our neighborhood, standing barefoot in the grass, and taking deep breaths all reinforce that I’m living a good, full life even though it didn’t go the way I’d hoped it would. 

You can live a good, full life too… just start looking for it and I bet you’ll see it all around you.

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