Letting Go

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So, I guess you could say I’m a little bit of a control freak in that I like to do things myself. Can you relate?

I’ve experienced great anxiety in hiring out jobs that I can’t do. For example, installing drainage to stop the flooding in my detached garage and re-roofing my home, just to name a couple of recent jobs I’ve had to hire someone else to accomplish. Oh, I’ve made huge strides since before my journey of self-discovery and healing, yet I still experience waves of anxiety at times.

I keep my house in an orderly fashion, well, at least it’s orderly to me anyway. My clothes are hung by type of clothing and color. I didn’t always used to do that, but as I got older I found it was just easier to find things that go together. My motto is “everything has a place, everything in its place,” and I’ve always been one to put things away after using them. I may be working on something and wind up having to go back and get the same screwdriver a couple of times, but I rarely ever have to spend time looking for anything when I need it!

Lost car keys?

I can count on two fingers in all my years of driving that I couldn’t find my car keys, which of course set me into a major panic way back when.

I am a very organized person. My actual degree is even a Bachelor of Science in Organizational Management! I’ve been told I’m ‘anal retentive’, among other not-so-nice phrases, when I used to spin out of control if things were not done a certain way – my way.

I didn’t realize until recent years that these behaviors were a form of control. Since I had very little control of my own personal life – due to the co-dependent relationship with my mother for most of my life – I found other ways to have some semblance of control in my life.

As I continue to dig deeper and deeper into learning about myself, I have learned that CONTROL = FEAR. We hold on for dear life to some of our beliefs and rituals because we are afraid. Afraid of change, afraid of something happening, afraid of someone not liking us, and on and on until we are trying to control everything in our life, which backfires like a cannon.

The more we try to control things, the unhappier and more miserable we become.

We become so fixated on not having control we no longer enjoy life. We are fighting a losing battle with our own self. And it’s really all so simple if I just let it go. I can’t ever hear that phrase without thinking of the song, especially this verse:

It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small

And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all

It's time to see what I can do

To test the limits and break through

No right, no wrong, no rules for me

I'm free

The words resonate with me so much it is eerie and I feel gooseflesh rise on my arms. Learning how to detach from outcomes and simply let things go has led me to a calmer, and more balanced life.

However, lifelong learned habits are sneaky little devils. Past traumas or patterns of fear and anxiety can be held in our bodies and even when we may think with our conscious mind that everything is OK and we are safe, sometimes these patterned behaviors can still come out of nowhere from our subconscious. This is exactly what happened to me over the past several days after the roofers were long gone. I wasn’t able to sleep and was having anxiety attacks during the night. I haven’t had attacks of this magnitude in years…

The “trauma” of the noise from being inside my house while the roofers were tearing off the two layers of shingles, leveling trusses and re-sheathing with plywood and then shingles, had not only me, but my highly-sensitive dog Buddy in a nervous state of panic by the end of day two. Not only was it all the hammering, there were so many “explosions” of heavy packs of shingles which sounded like just being dropped onto the roof with light covers falling from the ceiling inside the house! There were times I thought the entire house was going to cave in around me. I have never been home during work like this, and now I know why! I would have left; however, my vehicles were blocked in and it was a good thing I was home due to additional repairs that had to be made which I pointed out on my occasional walk-around.

When the first wave of anxiety hit, I was like, Damn! I’ve worked so hard on myself with fears and anxieties and I was really upset with myself that I was feeling like this again – my inner critic was rearing her ugly head at this point and I was beginning to feel angry.

Over the next couple of days due to all the work I have done over the years, especially with Beth, I began to realize this was my body's learned central nervous system’s trauma response. Once that realization hit, I was able to begin to see some light at the end of the tunnel. It’s taken me several days, a lot of breathwork, time spent in nature and talking with friends, for me to settle back down and for that startle response to dissipate once again.

I have more work scheduled, and I would like to think that this experience was a huge opportunity for me to further understand my connection with my body’s automatic trauma response and learn to start giving myself some GRACE. 

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