I’m Sitting Here Wondering

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I’m sitting here wondering.

I’m sitting here wondering what I might write about, what words I have to string together that others will want to read or even find inspiration from.

I’m sitting here wondering how my dog decides what is worthy of a bark — a white van with no windows is the culprit this time. Vans like that scare me sometimes too.

I’m sitting here wondering if I’ll have the strength to finish my 20th half marathon. I ran at lunch today and felt tired, weak and unsure of myself.

I’m sitting here wondering if spring is here to stay or not. I sat outside for a Zoom call today — I haven’t done that since sometime last fall. I notice how much happier I am when I’m not all bundled up and the sun is warmly shining on my face.

I’m sitting here wondering what we’ll have for dinner and why it’s so hard to come up with meals. I remember learning about balancing a checkbook or paying bills, but why was I never taught how to plan meals? One of the harder parts of adulthood for me is about making sure I have the right food in the house to pull dinner together.

I’m sitting here wondering if I really want things to go back to normal — back to feeling obligated to fill up my calendar and saying yes to every invitation. I don’t want to go back to an office every day or work my schedule around traffic and parking. That’s not a normal that worked for me.

Can I create what a new normal will look like?

I’m sitting here wondering what my life will look like in 5, 10, 15 years… even longer. I have probably 25 years of work left and I have no idea what I will do. Will I stay in this job longer than I really want to? Will I find the confidence to step out and claim my role in a bigger way?

I’m sitting here wondering what other people sit and wonder about. Do they wonder about their future? Do they struggle with confidence but appear confident anyway? Do they wonder about aches and pains and all that comes along with an aging body?

I’m sitting here wondering when I’ll feel inspired to write again. At one point I thought I’d write a book, now it takes effort to pull together a social media post, or an essay…

I’m sitting here wondering about the impact of this last year. It’s been almost a year since I was last in the office, since I felt anxious about going to the grocery store, since I worried about needing toilet paper. I want to get away but I feel safe in my home.

I often feel conflicted about that.

I’m sitting here wondering why I long for connection with others and at the same time hope things stay the way they are.

I’m sitting here wondering when I’ll no longer recognize myself in the mirror. Or will growing old happen so gradually that I won’t notice it?

I’m sitting here wondering.

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